Dima's Website

May 01 2021: 11:50 or so

I had an interesting experience as I was packing up to retire to my room for the night.

Well, to say it was interesting is honestly something of a lie. What happened is as I walked past a computer that had just been switched off, the last drops of power left it and the two connected monitors lost signal. Instantly one lit up in a brilliant blue "no signal" screen, causing me to pause in my tracks and stare at it as memories of Gooseworx's "Blue Channel" videos ran through my mind.

I would like to say that this instant seemed to stretch into eternity. I want to say that as I stared into that monitor the blue overtook me, filling my vision and almost seeming to transport me into another reality entirely. That when the long moment finally passed I spent a time staring at the now-blank screen, still transfixed by what had just occurred.

But I can't, because before I knew it the monitor had switched itself off, and the only thoughts running through my mind were about how I could almost fool myself into thinking that moment had lasted forever. Intrigued by my own desire to dramatize an otherwise mundane experience simply due to mental association with a fun spooky internet video, I took my stuff into my room and sat down to write this.

I think people have a tendency to dramatize things within their own heads. To desire fleeting moments to have more meaning than they actually do. I certainly know I do; rather than stick my head in the clouds I often get lost within the clouds of my own mind. I'll start thinking about recent events and imagining them as grander than they really were, or getting hopelessly distracted imagining future events that will likely never come to pass in detail, and I will do this over and over, circituously, narrating the exact same thoughts to myself over and over again. Occasionally I'll literally narrate to myself, composing long monologues much like the one I'm writing out now. The very text you're reading is the raw flow of thought that comes directly out of my brain on a regular basis, and on a regular basis I find myself powerless to stop it.

When this happens often I'll put on some music or watch a video just to give myself something else to focus on.

The only real point here is that I find it interesting that I so often catch myselfl narrating my life to an invisible audience, saying things as though to another person and forcing myself to listen. Taking small moments like these and turning them into mental rants 2511 characters long and counting.

I wonder if anyone else does this too. Perhaps I'll never really know. It's certainly not interesting enough for me to remember to ask.